Snoring, temperature fluctuations, blanket thieves and tossing and turning often cause couples to sleep apart. But this is not necessarily bad.
We’ll call her Susan. She has been with her French boyfriend for eight years and they live together in Switzerland. Both are around forty and a year ago, the couple started sleeping in separate rooms due to his snoring and breathing problems.
“I already had some trouble falling asleep, but this wasn’t really a problem with my partner. In fact, since I met him, things have gotten a lot better,” says Susan.
However, he started snoring more regularly in 2022.”I woke up about 4 times a night with his snoring. It was also annoying for him, as she would try to move him to calm his snoring.” In early 2023, the couple decided to start sleeping apart.
“It was a relief to be able to sleep through the night,” Susan recalls.. Her boyfriend was then diagnosed with sleep apnea and he started using a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine.
They tried to go back to sleep together with the machine on, but the noise was even worse than the snoring.
A year later, although his condition had improved, they learned from an app that he was still snoring, and Susan developed “paranoia from bad sleep”.
At first, moved to the sofa bed during the night, which became a “survival habit.” Finally, They agreed to take turns between the bed and the sofa bed.. However, changing from one to the other every week has become “quite exhausting”, especially considering the high cost of renting a two-bedroom apartment in the city.
‘Dream divorce’ in different European countries
The French put health and comfort first
In France, there is a trend and even a passion for the concept of ‘sleep divorce’ to improve sleep quality and personal happiness.
According to ‘Press Agency’, This reflects a social change in which Individual health and comfort come first, without sacrificing the couple’s relationship.
What was once considered a sign of marital problems is now a practical solution for many French couples. The French approach to relationships is independence within the couple, which fits with the tendency to sleep apart.
Los data del INED (National Institute of Demographic Studies) demuestran que Many French couples can maintain a close, intimate relationship by sleeping apart. and end up having a better relationship in general.
Scandinavia: Progressive Sleep Practices
Scandinavian countries are known for being progressive and prioritizing wellness, and they also have a unique approach to sleep in relationships.
The Dream Foundation describes the “Scandinavian sleep method”in which couples use separate duvets and sometimes separate beds so that each person can sleep as well as possible.
This reflects a broader cultural approach to self-care and mental health, in which sleep is an important part of overall well-being. In Scandinavia there is cultural norm of valuing sleep as part of health. Therefore, prioritizing individual sleep needs does not detract from the relationship, but rather improves it by being both rested and less irritable.
UK: Mixed opinions on separate beds
In the UK, opinions on separate beds are divided. Many British couples sleep in separate beds due to different sleeping patterns, snoring or personal comfort issues, but there is still a stigma associated with it. Historically, Separate beds were considered something only the aristocracy or Royal Family hadreflecting the traditional view of sharing a bed as a symbol of togetherness and unity in a relationship.
ADVERTISINGSusan explains that her friends are usually understanding of her sleeping habits, but her parents have a hard time accepting it, because they believe that sleeping together is more important than actual sleep. “So now she’s become the elephant in the room,” she says.
But in the UK, The practical benefits of better sleep are leading more couples to sleep in separate beds to take advantage of the health and well-being benefits. According to writer Natasha Poliszczuk, the “divorce dream” has “passed into the middle class: it is within the reach of anyone with enough space.”
He says separate bedrooms “are becoming the norm in middle English homes and marriages.” A recent survey of 2,000 adults in couples revealed that one in six couples does not share a bedproof that sleeping divorce is increasingly acceptable.
Celebrities who sleep separately
Many celebrities have opted for the ‘dream divorce’, like the Hollywood star Cameron Diazmarried to rock star Benji Madden. British royalty have a long tradition of going to their own room at night, while Kourtney Kardashian She has taken it to the extreme with a house separate from her husband’s Travis Barker.
ADVERTISINGHowever, not all of us have separate homes to go to, and according to a study from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine last year, men usually go to the couch or the guest room. And, perhaps surprisingly, they are Millennials do it most, rather than older people.
Should you try it?
Dr. Seema Khosla, a pulmonologist and spokesperson for the academy, says that getting enough sleep, seven to eight hours for adults, is important to maintain healthy relationships. Studies indicate that people who consistently sleep poorly are more likely to experience conflict with their partners, Khosla explains.
Despite the difficulties, Susan says she now argues less with her partner because “we’re not tired all the time” and she is in better overall health. “It’s really about people prioritizing sleep,” Khosla says.
Sleeping apart “is probably more common than we think.” The same goes for sleep apnea, a major cause of loud snoring, says Khosla.
ADVERTISINGThe key to making separate sleeping spaces work is to talk about it beforehand. “It’s not about avoiding intimacy. It’s about recognizing that you can be intimate, that you can spend time together, but then sleep apart. That’s a very important part of the conversation. Both members of the couple have to understand and agree“, dice Khosla.
Susan agrees and advises other couples to seek advice and consider “the wider effect on your relationship first”. “Arranging holidays or van trips, or visiting friends and family, which used to be fun, are now a source of stress due to sleeping arrangements,” she explains.
How to have a ‘dream divorce’ and not break up the relationship in the attempt
If you’re tempted to try it, start by talking about your sleep problems and how they affect your daily life. If you both agree, try sleeping apart for a few nights and see if you notice any changes in your sleep and mood. Sleep divorce is not a one-size-fits-all solution and what works for one couple may not work for another.
And do not forget maintain intimacy also in other areas of your relationship. Spend time together before bed and throughout the day. Reevaluate your sleep habits and be willing to change them if necessary.
ADVERTISINGYou can also divorce yourself to sleep only during the week, when life is crazy. Then sleep in the same bed on weekends, when you have more time. Or try the Scandinavian method with separate duvets to make sleeping easier.
Dr. Phyllis Zee, chief of sleep medicine at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, says: “It would be a great idea to talk about sleep compatibility before getting married“I usually see it when couples have already gotten married or have been together for some time and have been trying to negotiate it for a while,” he explains.
As you reach middle age, sleep is less robust, according to Zee. “In general, you are more prone to things like insomnia or sleep apnea. And that’s starting to get annoying,” he adds.
While there’s no shame in sleeping apart, Zee says technology has helped make bed-sharing easier in some ways. The white noise machineslas pillows y refreshing beddinglos mattresses with double temperature control and the dual control electric blankets they can help. “There is a whole market out there to mitigate some of these problems,” he explains.
ADVERTISINGAdvantages of sleeping together
On the other hand, there are studies that show the benefits of sleeping together. And 2022 study found that couples who share a bed reap more physical and mental health benefits than those who sleep alone.
American researchers led by Dr. Michael Grandner of the University of Arizona found that sleeping together reduces the risk of depression, anxiety, stress y fatigueand they felt safer in their relationship and happy in general.
those who slept rarely with their partner or spouse they had more likely to suffer from insomnia than those who shared a bed regularly. Those who slept alone had higher depression scores, less social support, and lower life and relationship satisfaction.
The researchers concluded that Sleeping as a couple is associated with better sleep and better mental health.
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